I had a weird dream last night.

I had a dream last night where I was at the Missionary Training Center.  I had just arrived and they were doing a tour of stuff nearby.  After this tour, there was kind of an obstacle course that I had to run.  During the tour and the obstacle course, I couldn't keep up with the missionaries.  I was just falling behind the whole time.

I wonder if this dream means anything?  That is, either prophetically or just as a reflection of my inner feelings.  It's probably a good reflection of my inner feelings.

I served a mission.

I have felt inadequate for far too long about my mission.  I want to get my feelings down so I can get them in order.  I want people to be able to see the struggle that it was to get to the point where I would serve and how without that, I wouldn't have the desire to do more now.

I did not have the advantage of a two-parent home.  Even when he was alive, my father was almost never home.  There are very few memories of him that I possess that are positive.  Then he died and my family was left without a leader.  My mom had to take on both roles.  God never intended the family to be a one-parent deal.

Boys need fathers.  They just do.  And the death of a parent has a devastating effect on a child.  I became an angry, angry child.  I was more than just a handful and I'm sorry for it.  Had I a dad, I would be different today.  But I didn't, and as a result of my poor choices during my upbringing, I feel like a bad person sometimes.

I had to work for my testimony.  I didn't get to sit in Family Home Evening every Monday night with a father and a mother with a designated lesson, prayer, treat, and game.  Instead, I'd watch as my brother would refuse to come up for dinner, I was completely uninterested in a church lesson from the Ensign, and I just couldn't wait to get back downstairs to play videogames.

Sick, final, game, lonely

I've been sick all week and it sucks.  I should be nearly done with my illness, but I want to be done now.  I want to be done five days ago!

I had a final this week and being sick didn't help.  I scored below the class average on the multiple choice section.  One of the women in the class is super smart and she got the high score on the test.  I have to be honest: I am incredibly jealous of her and her husband.  I hate being jealous.  I just feel so inadequate in comparison to some people.  I know I shouldn't compare myself and blah blah blah, but I do.  I would really like to get past that.

I went to the BYU/USU game tonight, even though I'm sick. I really wish that USU had won.  BYU sucks.  I used to attend BYU and it was horrible.  I'm so glad I'm not there anymore.  I love Utah State.  I wish I had come here years ago.  Maybe I would have found the right woman by now.

I've been feeling lonely this week, and it's exacerbated by being ill.  My bishop told me to get into online dating.  I don't like that idea because online dating makes me feel like I'm being a desperate loser.  But at the same time, I don't think it's that bad.  I've done some browsing and it looks like there are some great women online.

I honestly wonder if my poor luck in dating is due to my weight.  Seriously.  I don't think that I can be an accurate judge of my appearance, so I genuinely wonder if I'm too fat.  I do feel especially fat this week (due in part to being sick - a high consumption of sugary beverages (orange juice) and a poor diet).  Last week when I weighed myself I thought I had lost five pounds, but I feel HUGE this week!  I wonder if I lost any weight at all!

I don't like how relationships are always on my mind.  I want to be happy as-is, and a good portion of the time I am.  But this week I feel lonely and unattractive.

I want to work on my self confidence.  I know that God loves me and I think that I'm a good man.  But let's be 100% honest with ourselves here: there's a reason why I haven't been able to find love.  I would like to find and eliminate that reason.   Those reasons.  I think that confidence is an issue and I also think that weight is an issue.

A very relaxing weekend

It's like I was given a break.  Either that or I am somehow ignoring something I should be doing.  Meh, I feel good so it doesn't matter.

I managed to get my homework for Monday and Tuesday done by the end of Saturday, so I took Sunday off.  I didn't do anything other than hang with friends, cook, and go to church.  Well, I read my scriptures and stuff at night, as usual.  I pretty well just relaxed all day.  It was so nice.

The downside of relaxing all day is that you feel lazy afterward.  You kind of feel lazy while doing it too.  I suppose I could have done the dishes or something, but I didn't.  I just relaxed.  That feels so good.  I wish I could have days like that more often.

Today, I'm putting my nose back to the grindstone...kind of.  I haven't done anything all day so far, but I'm getting there!  I have to leave for class in an hour, so we'll see what happens as far as productivity goes.

I also need to figure out a new recipe to try.  It's like I've stagnated.  I want to create!  I don't want to just re-post what others have done.  That's boring and plagiarism.  Though I do give credit where due.

So...today was pretty good

There is nothing quite like falling asleep around midnight and then waking up at 11:30 in the morning.  It has been a long time since I've slept like that.  It's odd, because I went to bed at 9:30 pm the other day and couldn't get to sleep, even though I was dead tired!

Anyhow, I slept for eleven or so hours.  Then I woke up and I felt like going to Burger King.  I decided that I shouldn't go to BK until dinner, so I went to the grocery store instead.  And then I caved and bought fried chicken because I had two coupons.  So I never made it to BK, but I sure ate some chicken!  Then I did some homework, went to the gym (which I haven't done in weeks due to school), and then went on a picnic with some people from the ward and some of their friends.  I took an apple, some beef jerky, and some string cheese, along with a bottle of water.  It's seriously the healthiest thing I ate all day.

While on the picnic, I met a friend of a friend.  She was nice and it was fun to make a new friend.  I felt all sweaty and gross since I had just come from the gym.  We briefly spoke, and then kind of went our separate ways while walking to a party that was happening down the street.  After a shower and a change of clothing, I went to the party with practically no expectations, but then I wound up talking to her for several hours. It was fun!  I accompanied her to country dancing (which is something I've never done before, but now wish I knew how to do), and then walked her back to her car.  It was a fun night.

So this was a good day.  I'm all tired out.  And I need to come up with a new recipe to post.  I should do some experimenting when I have some time.  Maybe something with beef?  I should figure out how to make some delicious roast beef in the Crock-pot and then share the resulting roast beef sandwiches.  I like mine with a little mozzarella sometimes.  I'll bet if I roasted some beef with a little root beer or Pepsi Wild Cherry, it would come out great.

Alright!  Next beef sale, I'll get right on it!

Ooh, I wonder if there's a bacon-y way to make roast beef.  Oh yeah.

EDIT:  I forgot to mention that I found out that I'm going to JAPAN!!!!!!!  I'm so excited!  Freakin' Japan, dude!  I have no idea what all I'm going to do there, but I strongly desire to go to Yokosuka and check out Dobuita Street (also known as "the Honch").  I'm so excited.  I want to do the Shenmue tour!  I'd also love to hit up Sega HQ, but that's probably not going to happen.  Today was a great day.  I can hardly believe it.

Time to change again

I've been thinking today, and I've been thinking a lot.  In Beauty and the Beast, thinking is referred to as "a dangerous pastime," which I'm sure has other literary roots that I'm too lazy to look up.  I was able to talk to a friend about it (because it's weighing on my mind, though I honestly hate talking to people about it because I don't want to dump on them) and she said that she was surprised that I'm having trouble making friends.  It made me wonder if I really don't have trouble making friends, but that I'm not letting myself make friends.  Like my belief that I don't know how to make friends is hindering my ability to make friends.

This goes along with everything I wrote about a month ago.  If I'm holding the belief, then so it must be.  Therefore I should put myself in a position to feel like I have friends, even if that means getting out of my comfort zone.  I am uncomfortable just going up to people because I've had poor luck in the past.  I think that if I put myself in the position to make close friends, then I will make close friends.  If I just watch carefully what I say, I might have some success.

A positive thought is more powerful than a negative thought.  If I think and feel negative things, then negative things will happen.  Now if only I can keep the right thought in my head...

I suppose it's kind of like always remembering Christ.  It's hard to keep a sustained thought.  But recognizing times when your thoughts are going off the path will allow you to redirect them.  So whether you need to hum your favorite hymn or just force out the bad thought,  redirecting a negative thought into a positive thought will serve you better.

It's like I remember to do well for weeks, and then I just go off the positive thought train and feel bad for weeks at a time.

I do still think that I lack certain friend-making skills, probably perpetuated by my low self-monitor.  Perhaps I need to research that.  People do like me, I just think that they don't see me as a friend or as a close friend.  I want close friends.  I think I know of some people that I could just go over and visit.  If I can get my visibility in the ward up, I might be able to make some close friends.

Time to change my life again.

Friends and sitting alone

I honestly feel like I don't have friends.  I see people getting together all the time, people talking to each other, but it's like I'm left out.  I don't get it.  What is wrong with me?  I try to be nice, I try to be friendly, I try talking to people, but it's like there's a sign on me that says "don't be this guy's friend."  Is there a big "L" tattooed on my forehead that I can't see?

I should change wards or something.  People don't invite me to things, and people don't come to things that I host.  My apartment is such a sty right now that no one would want to come over anyway.  Such is the price of getting an advanced education and living in a poorly-lit apartment.

It's like for two weeks I feel like I have friends, and then for however long after that, I have none.  I don't get it.  So what should I do about it?  Complain?  I really don't know.  Complaining on my blog is really all I have.

I mean, I know I have some friends.  I have friends in Russia, Tanzania, Thailand, possibly Japan (if she's not in Idaho anymore), Idaho, Colorado, and possibly in Utah...I just can't tell.  I just wish I had the kind of friends that would text me and invite me when they're going to a football game or to dinner or something.

Maybe I'm just unpopular.  It's fine to be unpopular, I'm not too worried about it.  But to be friendless...that's serious.  And if I were trying to date someone, that might be a huge red flag.  It's not like I abuse my friends or something like that.  I feel like I'm a very good friend.  For example, when I made friends with J McG, I invited him to go to Sam's Club with me, and when I made friends with Stert (not his real name), I would go over and say hi when he was home.  We even did a double date together (and our respective dates)!  So I am a good friend when I have friends, but I just don't understand why I can't seem to make any close friends around here.  I've cooked for people, I've gone over and visited people, I've helped people move, I've gone singing to the elderly...and it still feels like people either don't like me or generally think of me as not being a friend.

I want friends and I want relationships.  It really is fine if someone doesn't want to be my friend.  But to be in a ward with about 150 students and feel like I don't have close friends?  That seems abnormal.

I really don't know what to do.  I feel like the next step is to just stop going to ward activities.  I mean, if I don't have any friends, what's the point?  Last Monday, for example, I was sitting on a long bench at Family Home Evening.  I sat at the very end so there would be room for people to sit on the rest of the bench.  We were gathered around a fire, listening to a speaker, and no one sat next to me for a long time (about thirty minutes), even though people were standing all around.  There were some girls huddled at the other end of the bench, but there were two seats next to me.  It was heartbreaking.  Finally a sister I home teach sat near me.  The girls at the other end of the bench had said "there are seats right here for anyone" and I turned to them and said "it's because they don't want to sit next to me."  It felt like truth.  Sorry.  I honestly feel like I'm a good person who is deserving of friendship, but I don't have the friendships that I want.  I don't get it.  It's not like I'm going to ask you to marry me if we sit next to each other or something.

Learning about me.

These last two weeks have been kind of a roller coaster as far as emotions go.  I was feeling really down due to a recent rejection, and then a friend picked me up and put things in perspective.  I always knew that I dated based on compulsion and not on desire, but I didn't realize that my lack of desire was from me not being interested in a lot of women.  There are many women that I find attractive, funny, smart, and generally desirable, but how many am I really interested in?

Realizing that I don't really like anyone right now (admittedly aside from the recent rejection) has kind of been freeing.  I'm feeling like there's no problem with me not dating anyone.  I'm also feeling like I'll know the next woman I like when I see her.  That is, I'll know her when God places her in my path.  This way of thinking feels so much better.  It's just nice to know that I'm not interested in anyone right now and I don't have to be interested in anyone right now.

I've always felt this insurmountable pressure to date.  I feel like men in my church are constantly bombarded with blame for the single women in church.  So based on compulsion, I would date because I don't think I should feel that blame.  I should not be blamed for anyone's singlehood.  I kind of shouldn't even be blamed for my own because I've tried so much over these last ten years.  And it's not like I'm not trying anymore, per se.  I'm just not going to try so hard to like someone and I'm not going to push for a sub-par relationship.

I really loved my ex-girlfriend.  Even though there were flaws in the relationship, I wanted to make it work.  She meant a lot to me.  I don't know if any relationship can be perfect, but I felt like our relationship was close to perfect.  I was compelled to marry her; both out of desire and out of expectation.  I shouldn't have pressured her, as inadvertent as it may have been.  If I could go back and give it another shot, I would.  But I recognize my feelings for her were sometimes hard even though I loved her very much.  I tried to not focus on her imperfections (I feel as though they were few), but maybe I should have realized more of the hard feelings I had during our relationship.  There was a time when I thought she was using me.  I think I was wrong.  There were many times when I felt as though she saw me as a lesser person.  I embarrassed her a lot.  A lot.  I'm sorry.  I'm a better person now, even just five months later.

My time at BYU really, really felt screwed up.  It was like I was a different person.  I wanted to act out just in rebellion to the culture there.  I really wish things had been different there, but I'm happy I went and that I'm gone.  Had I not attended school there, I may not be in an MBA program right now.  I probably wouldn't have served my mission.  So it's a good thing that I endured that trial.  Had I not attended BYU, I wouldn't have met my ex-girlfriend and I wouldn't know as well the  things that I want in a woman.  I would still give it another shot with her, but I think I would be more assertive in the relationship and I would be more clear and courageous about expressing my feelings.  At the time, I felt like if I said anything about things that bothered me or something like that, then she would break up with me and I would be alone again.  It happened anyway.  The same way I turned 21 regardless of whether I served a mission.  I just would have grown a little more had I gone sooner.

But then you factor in the anxiety and I realize that a mission at the time would have been hard on me and I may not have made it, pushing me into a depression based on failure of serving a mission.  I don't fully believe what I'm about to say, but: I think I made the right decision.  I fully believe in this statement: I'm glad that I served the mission that I did and I wish I had served more and in a different capacity.  But I wouldn't have known that without my mission.  Funny how that is.

So I am learning about myself.  I'm also meeting new people lately, which is part of what I originally set out to write, in addition to the learning about myself.  But I think learning about myself is better.  I'm still fighting the compulsion to date, but the edge is off.  I still meet women and think "should I get her number?" or I think "wow, she's really pretty.  I wish she would date me."  But I don't really think that as much.  The compulsion to get a phone number is stronger than the other thoughts.  I'm just happy that I care less about it all.  I'm happier now.

Confession: I'm just not really interested in a lot of people

I feel incredible pressure to date and get married.  This pressure makes me want to just go out and do it, which scares people off, which I hate.  I just want things to be normal for me.

I spoke with a friend late into the evening last night.  She really put things in perspective for me.  I realize that I really only want to marry the right person (which is a belief I've always held, but not always practiced), and I also recognize that I'm not interested in a lot of people around me.  There are some nice, pretty, deserving women in my ward, but it's jut like: meh.  I don't know how to get to know them (because women always seem to be doing things with other women instead of spending time with men) and I'm just not interested in dating women who are only interested in spending time with same-gender peers.  These are the same women who wonder why they're never asked on dates.  Newsflash, ladies, it's because you're not spending time getting to know men.

I think I want companionship for the sake of having companionship.  That's really not a good reason to get married.  I feel happiest when I'm in a relationship, but my grandma and other people counsel me to be happy now.  I want relationships and I believe that they will make me happy.  Therefore, friendships will make me happiest, I think, because it will allow for me to socialize and have fun.

Maybe I need to live with roommates or single neighbors or something.

Maybe I just need to spend more time at the Institute and make friends that way.

I think I scare off friends because I unintentionally pressure them into something more than a friendship.  Rather, I level-jump on friendships.  I either want to go from acquaintance to best friend right away, or I want to be nothing at all.

This Sunday I am going to change things.  I am going to sit with people in church.  I am going to just try to have friends.  That's all I really want right now anyway because with the exception of the woman I went out with last week, the women I have been meeting are either lackluster or they are only interested in spending time with their female friends.  If they were really interested in dating or marriage, they'd be interested in spending time with men.

I don't really have friends to do things with.  I don't have people to watch movies with or go to activities at the Institute with.  But I desire these friendships.  What can I do today to make friends?  What can I do now to just spend time with people and have fun?  All I want to do is have fun.  I'm tired of the pressure of dating and I'm tired of trying to get married.  I want something new.  Something different.  I want to socialize, but have no pressure associated with it.  Just friendships.

I wish the world knew that this is how I feel.

Home is where the friends are

I went to a place that some would call "home" yesterday for a baby blessing.  I don't call it "home" because home is where I live.  Once my mom moved in with her husband, "home" disappeared.

After the blessing, I was exiting through the foyer and I saw a girl that I had a crush on back in the seventh grade.  I avoided eye contact with her.  I acted like I didn't even see her and I was heading out the door...right until I felt her hand on my back.  I turned and spoke with her.  I didn't want to do it initially, but it wound up being a valuable experience.

As it turns out, we both actively avoid those we knew in school.  Neither of us care what others are doing and neither of us want to know what they're doing.  I'm glad I'm not abnormal in this respect.  We both agree that if there were to be a high school reunion, neither of us would want to go (and I probably wouldn't be invited, given that I've flown far under the radar since 2010, when I left Facebook).

As we talked, I learned about what she has been doing since graduating, and I'm surprisingly not jealous.  I'm not even jealous that she's married with two children.  This is surprising because I'm usually immensely jealous of those who are married.  Even as I left my apartment earlier, I silently mocked a car in my parking lot that had "just married" written on it.

I mentioned something along the lines of me being jealous of married couples, and she diagnosed me quickly. She says that a problem is that because I want to date and be married, women pick up on the vibe and it scares them.  This is completely understandable.  In fact, I understand!  Though I wish that a desire for love and marriage wouldn't be so scary.  I just want to marry the right person.  I don't want it to be just any person.

She also talked about things that she remembers about me from school.  She remembers someone who was very dark and very unhappy.  It actually reminds me of when I found myself without a place to live and my sister took me in and let me sleep in her basement.  I went to church one Sunday during that time and a woman turned to me and said that I didn't look as dark that day.  She said that I had a different light about me.  I knew why that was that day.  It was because I was staying in my sister's house where you could feel the Spirit.  Where natural light and music filled the atmosphere.  This is in stark contrast to my mom's home with her husband, where darkness and the news fill the atmosphere.  Life didn't used to be that way.

She said that she remembered a dark and unhappy boy.  As I expressed how I feel like I'm behind others in life, she said that she felt similarly when she spoke with her mom a few weeks ago.  She said to remember all the progress that I've made over the years.  I'm a different person than I was ten years ago.  I'm a different person than I was three years ago.  I have made a lot of progress.  I feel better about myself, I feel happier in general, I know more about church and scriptures than I did before, I even went on a mission.  I've made so much progress over these last several years that I can hardly believe it.  So why am I disappointed with the way my life is now?

Well, it's because despite my progress, I still lack those close personal relationships that I desire most.  A few hours ago I stepped out of my apartment to go read in the park.  As I was finishing my reading, I wanted to go over to a nearby house where I know some women.  I wanted to just go in and hang out with them, but I didn't know what to do or say to them.  If I go...what do I say?  Do I say "hey!  I just wanted to see if anyone wants to hang out for a while?"  Is that considered weird?  Is it strange if I go alone?  It should be pretty well-known that I lack friends with whom to do things in this ward, so I hope it wouldn't be too weird if I go alone.  I know it's weird if I go to a campus activity alone.  Everyone else is there with friends and I'm just standing around trying to figure out who to talk to.  I just don't want to be a bother.  I want to be a friend.  Someone that people genuinely want to be around.

There's a man in my ward who can just walk in to people's apartments and talk with them.  He becomes their best friend and winds up doing everything with them.  I want to be able to do that.  I worry that this will be rejected by those around me.  The reason why I worry so much about things like this is because I'm tired of being rejected by others.  I remember a ward of mine where I asked out five different women over the course of nine months or so.  I got a reputation for being desperate and dating just anyone.  If I just go over to someone's home without someone specific in mind to speak to or hang out with, what kind of reputation will I get?  I have to be in this ward for nine more months!  I can't get a worse reputation than I already have now!  I want to have a steady group of friends who want me around and who want to spend time with me.

Rejection, and why it doesn't hurt tonight

I have a lot of love to give.  As any reader of this blog (all four of you) knows, I want love in my life.  I just do.

It is rare that I am formally rejected by a woman.  I am frequently rejected by women, but it takes a very special woman to be open and honest about it.  It shows true character.  It shows that she loves people, including the one that she isn't interested in dating.  Why more women can't be as incredibly mature as she is I will never know.  But this one is special, and whoever gets to marry her will certainly be a blessed man.

She wants to like me, the same way I want to love her.  I already like her.  I wish there was that connection. There's not, and that's okay.  Months ago this would have been a heart-wrenching experience for me.  I would be depressed, crying, and lamenting how I completely screwed up.  But I'm not.  I'm a good man. She actually helped me see this tonight.  Here are five things she said about me.

1. She loves how honest I am.
2. She loves my personality and says that I'm fun to be around.
• Regarding this, she said that our first date was the best date she's ever been on.  Or did she say it was the most fun?  It was both?  Regardless, it was the best of something.  She genuinely wanted something to happen with us.  But it didn't .  She has her reasons, and I understand.  She is a special woman.
3. She loves how motivated I am.
4. She loves that I center my life around Christ.  She loves that I'm willing to put Him first and that I desire to serve Him.
5. She loves that I'm not scared to show who I am.  She loves that I can make myself vulnerable.

What an amazing woman.

She sees a lot of good in me.  I didn't think that anyone saw that kind of good in me.  I always felt like my goodness was a secret that only I knew (and even doubted at times).  How did I become so privileged to meet such a woman as her?  And that she is actually a friend now?

During this whole long talk (and it was very long), I never once felt like she wasn't being genuine.  She wasn't "letting me down gently."  She was being honest.  She wanted something to happen, but it wasn't there.  I know why it wasn't there.  That's fine.  I do sincerely regret that she is not my girlfriend tonight, but I do not lament.  I do not pine.  I am as fine today as I was before we even went on our first date.  I feel fine.

I wish that every rejection could be as good as this one.  I have not gone away feeling badly about myself.  I have come away feeling good about myself.  There is a twist of disappointment, but it's hardly present.  My next love is just around the corner.  And to be honest, it wasn't necessarily that she was "rejecting" me.  It was more of a "this is why things aren't happening yet" discussion.  If that yet is a never; big deal.  I made a true friend tonight and I caught a glimpse of a beautiful soul.  This experience has helped me to see what I want in a woman.  I want to marry a woman who is as deep and as thoughtful as this one is.  I used to think that they were more scarce than crude oil in the year 2099, but I don't think that's the case.  I can find a woman like this again.  It is unique for her to be such a good woman, and these women are hard to come by, but I'm understanding that a depth of soul like hers is not so rare that I will never see it again.  This woman is certainly one-of-a-kind, never to be duplicated or imitated, but good women like her exist.  I can't wait to meet the next one.

The week is finally over

Hell week is finally over and I am very happy.  However, people keep saying "now the real work begins."  If this wasn't real work, then I don't agree with people's definitions of "work."  I don't think it's going to be that bad.  This program is designed for people to be able to accomplish it.  I think it's ridiculous that people are trying to intimidate us as students.  Shouldn't this be a supportive program?  I don't get it.

Speaking of things that bug me, I'm really getting sick of the term "in the real world..."  I LIVE IN THE REAL WORLD.  Have you ever considered that this "real world" that everyone speaks of doesn't exist?  Or perhaps that this "real world" that everyone keeps talking about is not the "real world" at all?  Maybe it's the opposite!

I've been hearing about this "real world" garbage since high school, and guess what?  It's a lie.  I worked in the real world between my bachelor and my master's degree.  It wasn't at all like the "real world" that people describe.  I suppose if I were some kind of idiot, I'd refer to something outside of my life as the "real world."  But this world is as real as anything else on this planet.  Things like ridiculous etiquette rules when eating really don't apply to life.  Anyone who would deny you a job or would be offended if you used your salad fork for your entree is a real jackass.  I'm tired of arrogance.  This is why I got out of business in the first place.

I suppose I should just be happy that my path isn't exactly just in business.  I plan to work hard and get somewhere, but I don't intend to be a CEO.  I don't intend to be in the board room.  I don't want those things.  I want to make a good living, live in a nice house, and be able to provide for my wife and family.

So how about we all just pull our heads out of our butts and live in the real world already?  Place your silverware wherever you like during a meal.  Just don't be obnoxious and let that be acceptable.  Drink from the wrong glass.  Forget to place your napkin on your lap.  Wear a tie with a short-sleeved shirt.  Life is too short to give a crap about any of these things.  Get over yourself and live in the real world since it's what you tout anyway.

I think I have a bad attitude

This week shouldn't be called "orientation week," it should be called "hell week."  The days are long, the activities are transparent in their purpose, and the classes are held at times when we're all tired, worn out, and can no longer pay attention.  I'd really like to just get going on school work.

I wore the wrong clothing today to the lunch.  They said "business casual," so I wore a short-sleeved button-up shirt with slacks.  I guess I was under-dressed.  I'm just so tired of doing this week so far that I can't even fake a smile on my face.

I'm reminded why I stopped studying business in the first place: it's the people.  Of course, I dislike psychology people too after having gone through a semester of a psychology grad school.  I just find that a lot of people in my program are overbearing, arrogant, or just plain irritating.

While the above feelings still hold true, my mood is much better now than it was when I originally wrote the text above (about three hours ago).

I'm happier now because I called a cute girl, relaxed for an hour or so, and talked to a friend.  I met with some local professionals tonight and some of them were just fantastic.  One man in particular was my favorite and I'm eager to be in contact with him.  I actually made some good contacts tonight!  And after hearing some of the professionals speak, my anxiety has been reduced.

I consider any reduction in my anxiety to be done by God and only by Him.  This week has really been a rollercoaster for my emotions.  I'm up, I'm down, I'm up, I'm down....  I want to end this week up.  I want to end this YEAR up.

My time on a trail

I don't mean to sound horribly judgmental, but I sat behind a total douche today.  I was on a bus going into the canyon for a service project required by my grad program.  Required service baffles me, but whatever.  The guy I sat behind is a return missionary,  must be at least 23 years old, and acts and talks like he's 19 or younger.  I can't believe how he talked about women and made an off-color reference to male genitalia and the name of farm fowl.  He's not married, and I can see why.  I still question why I'm not married though.

During this service project, my professor offered us an opportunity to take a walk around the lake.  The lake area was beautiful.  No one else in my service group wanted to go with me (and thankfully McDouche didn't want to go), so I went by myself.  There wasn't much for me to do, anyway.

I'm so grateful for the silence and peace that was afforded to me as I walked.  You could only hear slight rustling from the breeze and the occasional  rustling of foliage from the movement of field mice and what appeared to be small squirrels.  It was so peaceful that I decided to stop and sit on a rock to pray.  As I prayed, I remember the breeze picking up.  When I stopped praying, I don't remember there being a breeze anymore.  I wonder if God was demonstrating to me that He was listening?  I prayed for comfort, I think.  I also asked Him why I haven't been able to find someone to date and eventually marry me.  I finished my prayer and continued my walk.  As I walked, I tried to keep my mind clear and just focus on the silence and serenity of being alone while walking around a lake.  I did this so I could hear when God gave me an answer.  I'm unsure if I received a direct answer from Him, but I was reminded that I think that my next girlfriend and my potential wife is right around the corner.  I'm going to meet her soon.  I've met many people lately, and maybe she is one of them.  I don't know.  But I do know who I'm interested in.  I don't think of any of the women I date as a potential wife just yet.  I just want to know if I like them and I hope that they like me!  The wife thing can wait...I mean it's not like I can just meet someone and decide "okay, she's my wife."  That's strange, irrational, and unhealthy.

Here are some pictures of the gorgeous nature that I saw.

This shot is particularly great.  This photo is property of me, please do not use without permission.

Beautiful, isn't it?  I can't believe I've been missing this all my life.

A hard day so far

I know that God loves me.  And I know that through Him, I will achieve the things that I need to achieve.  I do not question His existence because I know that He's there.

I am happy.  I am happy because so many good things have happened to me lately.   I don't want a hard day to stop me now.

Today I spent nine hours in orientation for my graduate program.  Tomorrow I will spend nine or more hours doing the same thing.  And then I'll spend more than nine hours each day for the rest of the week.  It was hard to sit through.

Since yesterday, I've been experiencing anxiety regarding my grad program.  I'm concerned that I won't be able to keep up.  I worry that I won't be able to do it.  But I'm supposed to be able to achieve the level of education that I desire.  If this is the case, then I have no need to fear.  So why do I fear?

These problems feel like they come in twos, which is accurate because I'm feeling stress about relationships.  Like things will be going fine and then you just do something to mess it up.  I think I'm thinking too much.  I'm reading way too much into things.

Tonight is a welcome night at school.  It started fifteen minutes ago.  I have homework.  I don't know what to do.  I want to go and meet new people, but I need to do my work.  I also need dinner.  Why does life have to present problems sometimes?  I know that people say that my problems are nothing compared to the problems of people in the slums of India or something, but that's an ignorant and insensitive thing to say.  I have my problems, they have theirs.  It still doesn't change the fact that they are problems.   I crave love, support, and intimacy; they might crave food, shelter, and security.  I'm grateful for the food, shelter, and security that I enjoy, and I'm sure they are too.  But when you have your basic needs covered, you have other problems that crop up.  These are mine.  I want love, intimacy, and support in my life.

Last year

About eleven months ago I found myself in a predicament.  Two great women wanted to date me.  I had met the one online and then other in person.  I wasn't particularly attracted to either of them when I met them, but I soon found myself interested in both women.  The one lived about four hours away from me, and then other lived about five minutes from me.  By proximity alone, my choice was clear.  But it wasn't that simple.

I liked the personality of the one that lived far away.  She was nice, had a good sense of humor, and she accepted me for who I was then (I am different now, after all).  However, she lived far away, her roommates sure didn't seem to like me, and even after I would tell her that I needed some quiet time to study, she would text me like mad.  We spent a very stressful day together, and I was at a difficult time in my life, and so I had to end it.

The one that lived close by grew on me very quickly.  There wasn't really a growth period.  I just liked her after our first date and couldn't get her out of my head.  However, she was 19 years old when we met and I was 24.  She turned 20 shortly thereafter and I turned 25 several weeks later.  The age difference kind of threw me at first, but I got over it.  But what really scared me is that at the age of 25, I felt ready to get married.  I was tired of waiting.  I'm more patient now, but it is still a high priority.  I knew that her, being 20, probably wasn't ready to get married.  My mom got married around the age of 20.  My sister got married at 17 (not that I think that's a good idea at all)!  But this one is not like my mom or my sister.  To make matters worse, I was her first boyfriend.  I knew that no matter how much I would come to love her, she would not want to marry her first boyfriend.

I came to love her very much.  Several months into the relationship, despite the very few flaws that I could see, I knew that I wanted to marry her.  She is gorgeous.  She loves God and she loves church.  She is so smart.  We'd have playful arguments over who was smarter.  I contended that she was smarter, she said that I was smarter.  I still think I'm right.  She's funny.  She made me laugh so much!

Some cracks in the relationship began to appear when she began to say things and act as though my mission was not good enough for her.  She knew that I suffered from anxiety in the past and was absolutely paranoid that it would keep me from doing things with her in the future.  Her parents thought that they would never get to see her again if she married me because I had anxiety.  It baffles me how otherwise intelligent people could be so incredibly ignorant of a mild mental illness that I hardly feel the effects of anymore.  I'd like to say that it's completely gone, but you can never be sure of that.  God really blessed me after my mission and one of those blessings was relieving my anxiety.  Life is just...easier.  And it's all thanks to Him.

After six months (she says five, I say six), she stopped responding to my texts.  She wouldn't pick up the phone when I called.  I cried every single day for three weeks, even on the rare day she would talk to me.  At the end of those three weeks, she dumped me.  It was a very sweet breakup.  I've never had a breakup where I'm holding her hand and we kiss a few times because we're still very much in love.  But, much like she predicted, it was harder on me than it was on her.

I'm moving on now.  It has been long enough.   But the predicament of being involved with two women at the same time is still a tough situation for a man like me to face.  I mean, I only want one woman in my life (and it's all I can handle)  More than one woman being interested in me at a time just causes confusion and slows down the dating process.  I hate having to hurt one just to have a relationship.  It would be easier if you could just pause the feelings with one and date the other, only to resume the first relationship later if things didn't work out.

In my book, no woman I could date would be a "silver medal."  When I'm in love, I'm in love.  If, somehow, a relationship didn't work out with one and I was able to date the other, she wouldn't be lesser to me.  I know that she would probably feel that way, but in my heart she wouldn't be.  I know that I would feel secondary to another man if I were in the same situation as these women.  I don't know why love needs to be so complicated.

Procrastination, failed hot dog buns, and the value of money

I need to study for a final.  Like, really bad.  Well, not really bad, but it needs to be done.  You know how it is.  So I've been procrastinating by making hot dog buns, watching Zonation on YouTube, and generally sitting around.

My hot dog buns didn't turn out at all.  They were flat and would not be suitable for hot dogs at all.  On the plus side, they were delicious.  I guess I need to just buy hot dog buns and bake rolls instead.  I think I may do that, actually.  I don't want to buy bread because I feel like it's a lot of money for just a loaf of bread that will go moldy in a few days.  I'd much rather invest an hour or so on a Saturday to bake rolls or other generalized bread for much less money.  Consider this: I can get 5lb. bag of flour for less than $2, eggs for less than $2, sugar, oil, etc. for less than $4.  When I combine these ingredients, I can bake several loaves of bread, all coming in for less than $1 each.  That's a heck of a deal.  I just have to put in the work for it.

My friend Bif doesn't think that it's worth his time to pick up a penny off the ground.  He says that his time is more valuable than that.  But if it takes two seconds to pick up a penny from the ground, you could be picking up thirty pennies per minute.  $.30 * 60 minutes is eighteen dollars an hour.  $18/hour.  I'm sure if he were offered a job for $18/hour, he'd take it.  I have family members that make less than $18/hour.   Considering this, it is very much worth it to pick up a penny from the ground.

I don't think there will ever be a day where it is not worth my time to pick up a penny from the ground.  How would I lose money by picking up a penny?  That doesn't make any sense.  Especially considering that when I'm finding money, I'm not "on the clock."  And if I were, I wouldn't lose money by picking up that penny.  I'd still be $.01 richer.  You may think that one cent isn't going to make a difference, but it does.  Have you ever been a few cents short for a purchase?  I know that I have.  Picking up change, no matter what the value, always adds money to my wallet.

I think it's incredibly narcissistic to pass up the opportunity to pick up money.  Saying that your time is worth more than picking up a penny is prideful and likely inaccurate.  I notice that poor people typically have this attitude.  Not all poor people.  People who are humble and poor don't have that attitude.  They value money.  Rich people who have had to work for their fortune also value money.  The path to wealth isn't in pride; it's in hard work.

Dude, just go for it

I have some friends who are just too afraid to go for it.  Or something like that.  My friend Bif is a great example (again, that's not his real name to protect his privacy).  Bif has this nasty habit of meeting and befriending women, spending a lot of time with them doing date-like activities, seeing them nearly every day, and never once does he use the word "date" with them.  He'll say it to me, but he won't say it to them.  I think they know that he's interested in them, but they get off on the technicality of their activities not being dates.  If it's not a date, then they don't have to reject him, right?

Holy cow.  Maybe he knows that.

Anyway, after spending all of this time and money with these women, he says the same thing to me.  "I'm going to make a move."  And I always reply "okay, what's your move?"  And he responds "I'm going to ask her on a date."

"That's not a move, Bif."

"How is that not a move?"

"Because for it to be a move, you have to move!"

So he asks them on a date, and then the jig is up.  They either say no, or they go on a date with him (typically to get a free meal or something, because they already know going into this date whether they like him) and then reject him.  So what's his problem?  Well, many things, but mainly that he doesn't go for it.

He was constantly asking me why it was that I had more girlfriends than him.  His reasoning was that I hadn't gone on a mission and was therefore not as good as him, so he should be getting the women and I should be left alone like him.  I recall one evening where he said that he was better than me because he had served a mission.  Looking back, I must have had the patience of a monk not to freak out on him.  But the difference between him and I was not that I hadn't served a mission and he had; it was that I went for it and he didn't.

I kissed my last two girlfriends by the end of our second dates.  How did I do it?  Well, I went for it.  I even prefaced one of the kisses with "A______, I'm having a hard time controlling myself.  I really want to kiss you."  Yeah, I know.  But she was receptive and we kissed.  It was the first of many kisses with her.  Bif could be in the same position if he would just go for it.  But first he needs to ask her on a date.  None of this "let's spend time together until the steam runs out and then I'll ask you on a date."  Just straight-up ask her on a date.  If she is actively texting you afterward, it probably means she likes you.  The second "date" is up to you.  Either make it a formal date (something I haven't done with success), or just get together.  If she's interested in you, you'll be drawn together.  And it is her responsibility to show interest in you.  If she's not showing interest, then she must not like you.  That's how it goes.

So, Bif, and the two other friends I'm thinking of.  Just go for it.  Hold her hand.  Hold that hug just a second or two longer than normal (just a second or two).  If she's receptive, you can progress.  If she's not, you'll likely talk about it briefly, and then part ways.  She shows interest in you, you ask her out, she continues to show interest, you make a move, and love blossoms.  If you're not asking her out quickly enough and/or you are not making a move quickly enough, then you risk losing her.  She'll quickly lose interest.  She'll be confused about whether you like her.  If you give it a try by holding her hand or something, then you'll be able to see very quickly if there's something there.  It comes with tons and tons of rejection (I can't count the number of times I've been rejected, but it is WAY more times than I've had success), but you get a relationship eventually.

Hm.  How many times have I been rejected in relation to my successes?  Rejection = Success⁹. That sounds about right.

Alright.  I did the math.  It's closer to R = S⁶. Still, you'll get a lot of rejection.  But if you just go for it, you'll experience faster lows and greater highs.  The faster you can tell that a woman isn't interested in you, the faster you can move on to the next one.  Minimize wasted time, maximize love.

Dinner with friends.

I got a text tonight around 5:30 PM inviting me to dinner at Village Inn.  I didn't know who it was from, but I readily accepted before asking who it was.  I figure that it must be someone I know, right?

It turns out that it was someone I know and she wanted me to go with her and some friends to Village Inn.  Before going though, they had a Facebook intervention with me.  The right people were trying to convince me to join though.  Had it been anyone else, I wouldn't have listened at all.  They want me on Facebook so I can be in the loop and so I no longer feel like I don't have friends.  I will not say whether I joined back up, but what I can say are the following things:

1. Screw Facebook.
2. My official stance is that I do not have a Facebook page.

After the intervention, we departed in my car for Village Inn (that's three times I've said the name of the restaurant now...do you think they'll give me a free meal?).  As I pulled into the restaurant, I remembered a friend who had his birthday yesterday (technically two days ago, but I'm posting this just after midnight and I contend that the day doesn't start until 6 AM, just like in Jesus' day) and nobody was able to make it to his birthday dinner.  Poor guy!  I was busy, I swear!  So I called him and he came.  I told the others that it was his birthday and that no one was able to make it to dine with him, and so they ran across the street to Walmart to get a birthday cake for him.

They bought this really fun cake.  It had delicious vanilla buttercream frosting (which is a project I intend to take up one of these days) on the outside, and four colors of cake inside.  It all tasted like yellow cake, but there was bright yellow, blue, red, and purple cake with marble-like swirls.  It was cool!  I ate far too much in one sitting though.  Not cake; I only had one piece.  I got fish and chips for dinner, which included soup, toast, fries, and more fries (because that was my other side).  I had five pieces of cod, all the fries, all of the clam chowder (I made it a seafood night), one half of the toast, and then that piece of cake.  Oh, I also ate one more piece of cod because my friend got the all-you-can-eat meal (it was only $1.30 more) and didn't finish all of his fish.  I can tell you this: all the guys (except for JMcG) had their bellies sticking out by the end of the night!

Speaking of bellies, I think mine is coming along, but I need to control my diet more.  Today I did some high-intensity interval training on the elliptical because I read that it burns fat better than just maintaining a heart rate for an extended amount of time.  I'm not sure why that is, but I'll take it.  I'm going to continue this type of training for a while to see if there's an impact.

As for the diet, I really need to change something.  First off, I eat WAY too much chicken.  Why did God have to make chicken so delicious?  Why couldn't He make soy beans that delicious?  I like green beans, but I sometimes lack the motivation to make them...even though making fried chicken takes way more effort.

I honestly don't eat a lot of sweets and I have been limiting my soda intake.  I guess I'll pay attention to what I eat tomorrow and then see which changes I can easily make.  It really only takes small steps at a time.  Green beans here, a handful of carrots there...   I should go back to what I used to eat for breakfast, which was a banana, string cheese, and...something else.  Maybe nothing else?  I should eat oatmeal, a banana, and some string cheese for breakfast tomorrow.  Tomorrow and every day, that is.  I feel like if I can work off my soda intake in a given day, then it can kind of cancel out.  But I do remember when I lost a bunch of weight at a time, and it was because I worked out and drank Crystal Light instead of soda.  I'm going to set aside a "no-soda" day this week.  Perhaps Monday or Wednesday.  One is better than none, right?

Time to slay this beast of a belly I have.

Goal achieved for this week

I achieved one of my goals this week.  It's my weekly goal of meeting two new people, with at least one being a woman.  Truly I want to meet two women per week, but one is just enough.

Yesterday, I received a call during choir practice, which I readily took even though there was still time left in practice.  Two hours for choir practice with a maniacal choir director is far too long, so taking a call was relieving.  While I was talking on the phone, I looked through a window and into another window where I could see a woman practicing the piano.  Because I had been coughed on a good dozen times by the people sitting around me, I ventured into the room where she was practicing after my phone call to search for hand sanitizer to bathe in.

I talked with her and found out that she had been practicing for six hours because she was nervous to play the piano in front of her ward.  I thought she was playing very well, but she was dissatisfied.  So I grabbed a Hymn book and sang along with her.  I sat with her for about a half-hour or so, singing, listening, and encouraging.

I was going to get ice cream afterward and I invited her to come along.  She said that she was watching a scary movie with friends.  That was fun to hear because I like scary movies too!  So we talked about that for a little bit.  As I got up to leave, she said "I guess I'll see you around then," which I took to mean "thanks for hanging out with me.  Maybe I'll see you another time."  So I didn't ask for her phone number.  I may have been able to get it, but I didn't want to push it.  It seemed like she had stuff to do and people to see.

When I went to get ice cream, I saw a woman that I hadn't yet met.  So I sat across from her and introduced myself.  We talked and laughed with the other people at the table.  I asked her about what she does and we just had a nice time.  No number again.  I didn't go for this number just because I didn't think I'd get along with her.  Besides, I really don't need to get the contact information of everyone I encounter.  I just want to get contact info from a special woman.

If I decide I want to see the first woman again, I know where she'll be.  She'll be in the same spot practicing the piano again tonight.  I also know which ward she's in because I asked her.  I don't nee to see her though.  I just want to meet some new people, find a group of friends (or a steady few that have a dynamic group of friends), and find a woman to date.

I feel as though I have a lot of love to give, but I don't feel this love for everyone.  It's like I hoard it until I get into a relationship, where it then just flows like a spout at the bottom of a dam.   I guess I need to love others along the way.  I don't know.  I think I'm going to go to a nearby bookstore and see if I can figure it all out.