I went to a place that some would call "home" yesterday for a baby blessing. I don't call it "home" because home is where I live. Once my mom moved in with her husband, "home" disappeared.
After the blessing, I was exiting through the foyer and I saw a girl that I had a crush on back in the seventh grade. I avoided eye contact with her. I acted like I didn't even see her and I was heading out the door...right until I felt her hand on my back. I turned and spoke with her. I didn't want to do it initially, but it wound up being a valuable experience.
As it turns out, we both actively avoid those we knew in school. Neither of us care what others are doing and neither of us want to know what they're doing. I'm glad I'm not abnormal in this respect. We both agree that if there were to be a high school reunion, neither of us would want to go (and I probably wouldn't be invited, given that I've flown far under the radar since 2010, when I left Facebook).
As we talked, I learned about what she has been doing since graduating, and I'm surprisingly not jealous. I'm not even jealous that she's married with two children. This is surprising because I'm usually immensely jealous of those who are married. Even as I left my apartment earlier, I silently mocked a car in my parking lot that had "just married" written on it.
I mentioned something along the lines of me being jealous of married couples, and she diagnosed me quickly. She says that a problem is that because I want to date and be married, women pick up on the vibe and it scares them. This is completely understandable. In fact, I understand! Though I wish that a desire for love and marriage wouldn't be so scary. I just want to marry the right person. I don't want it to be just any person.
She also talked about things that she remembers about me from school. She remembers someone who was very dark and very unhappy. It actually reminds me of when I found myself without a place to live and my sister took me in and let me sleep in her basement. I went to church one Sunday during that time and a woman turned to me and said that I didn't look as dark that day. She said that I had a different light about me. I knew why that was that day. It was because I was staying in my sister's house where you could feel the Spirit. Where natural light and music filled the atmosphere. This is in stark contrast to my mom's home with her husband, where darkness and the news fill the atmosphere. Life didn't used to be that way.
She said that she remembered a dark and unhappy boy. As I expressed how I feel like I'm behind others in life, she said that she felt similarly when she spoke with her mom a few weeks ago. She said to remember all the progress that I've made over the years. I'm a different person than I was ten years ago. I'm a different person than I was three years ago. I have made a lot of progress. I feel better about myself, I feel happier in general, I know more about church and scriptures than I did before, I even went on a mission. I've made so much progress over these last several years that I can hardly believe it. So why am I disappointed with the way my life is now?
Well, it's because despite my progress, I still lack those close personal relationships that I desire most. A few hours ago I stepped out of my apartment to go read in the park. As I was finishing my reading, I wanted to go over to a nearby house where I know some women. I wanted to just go in and hang out with them, but I didn't know what to do or say to them. If I go...what do I say? Do I say "hey! I just wanted to see if anyone wants to hang out for a while?" Is that considered weird? Is it strange if I go alone? It should be pretty well-known that I lack friends with whom to do things in this ward, so I hope it wouldn't be too weird if I go alone. I know it's weird if I go to a campus activity alone. Everyone else is there with friends and I'm just standing around trying to figure out who to talk to. I just don't want to be a bother. I want to be a friend. Someone that people genuinely want to be around.
There's a man in my ward who can just walk in to people's apartments and talk with them. He becomes their best friend and winds up doing everything with them. I want to be able to do that. I worry that this will be rejected by those around me. The reason why I worry so much about things like this is because I'm tired of being rejected by others. I remember a ward of mine where I asked out five different women over the course of nine months or so. I got a reputation for being desperate and dating just anyone. If I just go over to someone's home without someone specific in mind to speak to or hang out with, what kind of reputation will I get? I have to be in this ward for nine more months! I can't get a worse reputation than I already have now! I want to have a steady group of friends who want me around and who want to spend time with me.
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