Confession: I'm just not really interested in a lot of people

I feel incredible pressure to date and get married.  This pressure makes me want to just go out and do it, which scares people off, which I hate.  I just want things to be normal for me.

I spoke with a friend late into the evening last night.  She really put things in perspective for me.  I realize that I really only want to marry the right person (which is a belief I've always held, but not always practiced), and I also recognize that I'm not interested in a lot of people around me.  There are some nice, pretty, deserving women in my ward, but it's jut like: meh.  I don't know how to get to know them (because women always seem to be doing things with other women instead of spending time with men) and I'm just not interested in dating women who are only interested in spending time with same-gender peers.  These are the same women who wonder why they're never asked on dates.  Newsflash, ladies, it's because you're not spending time getting to know men.

I think I want companionship for the sake of having companionship.  That's really not a good reason to get married.  I feel happiest when I'm in a relationship, but my grandma and other people counsel me to be happy now.  I want relationships and I believe that they will make me happy.  Therefore, friendships will make me happiest, I think, because it will allow for me to socialize and have fun.

Maybe I need to live with roommates or single neighbors or something.

Maybe I just need to spend more time at the Institute and make friends that way.

I think I scare off friends because I unintentionally pressure them into something more than a friendship.  Rather, I level-jump on friendships.  I either want to go from acquaintance to best friend right away, or I want to be nothing at all.

This Sunday I am going to change things.  I am going to sit with people in church.  I am going to just try to have friends.  That's all I really want right now anyway because with the exception of the woman I went out with last week, the women I have been meeting are either lackluster or they are only interested in spending time with their female friends.  If they were really interested in dating or marriage, they'd be interested in spending time with men.

I don't really have friends to do things with.  I don't have people to watch movies with or go to activities at the Institute with.  But I desire these friendships.  What can I do today to make friends?  What can I do now to just spend time with people and have fun?  All I want to do is have fun.  I'm tired of the pressure of dating and I'm tired of trying to get married.  I want something new.  Something different.  I want to socialize, but have no pressure associated with it.  Just friendships.

I wish the world knew that this is how I feel.