Friendships

I went to choir again tonight.  I kind of don't understand why I'm going.   I want to use my talent, but I hate sitting in choir practice for two hours having a blowhard talk about how poorly everyone in your section sings.  Okay, it's not really like that, but I don't understand sitting in choir practice for two hours.  It sucks.  Why is anybody volunteering for it?

Honestly, I just want to meet women there.  There are certainly some pretty women who are there singing.  I don't know how to approach them though.  It's kind of strange just being like "hi, I saw you from across the room and wanted to meet you."  How exactly do people meet?  I think I ask the same question regarding making friends.  How do people make friends?  Perhaps friendship, like love, is best pursued indirectly?  I don't know.

I know that the more I think like this the worse off I'll be.  If  I think about how I don't have a steady group of friends or how I don't know how to meet people, it will just get worse and worse until I move or something.  I guess I can keep fighting it.

I never thought I would be 25, unmarried, and without friends.

But no!  I have friends!  There's S- and R- and J- and R- and other R-!  And what about S-?  I have her too!  And Bif and Jen and Mel!  BJM kind of sounds like a weird sandwich!  [I had to edit this paragraph to read "Bif and Jen and Mel," but I previously had "B- and J- and M-," which makes the BJM joke make sense.]

I have friends.  I guess I just desire friends who call me or put on a surprise birthday party or something.  I want to feel loved.  I want friends that wave to me in church to come sit by them.  I feel like I've somehow carved out this niche of sitting alone and I can't escape from it.

I remember meeting this girl in my ward.  Let's call her J.  I met J and her roommate at an activity and we talked and seemed to hit it off.  We made tentative plans to get together and watch a movie sometime.  The main draw was that they said that they didn't have airconditioning and I do have airconditioning.  So a week goes by and nothing happens (of course I didn't get their phone numbers; it slips my mind sometimes).  I see them the next Sunday evening.  I had just baked bread earlier that day and we were all walking in the direction of my apartment.  I mentioned having them come over sometime and they still seemed excited and they asked where I live.  Since we were all headed that way, I just had them follow me and I pointed to my apartment.  Since I had baked fresh bread earlier that day and I was excited to share and show it off, I asked if they would like to have a piece.  They seemed hesitant, which I don't understand.  I invited them up, let them look around while I sliced some bread, talked to them for a little bit, and it just seemed so suddenly uncomfortable.  I don't get it.  After they left, I didn't hear from them again.  I think that J actively avoids me, which I don't understand.

Why is it that when I make an effort to make a friend, they seem to not want to be my friend?  I don't get it.  Did I miss that day in school where the teacher tells you the key to making friends?  I've worked really hard to overcome social and generalized anxiety (all thanks to God, really) and I want to make friends!  It just seems like it's something out of reach.  I don't want it to be, but it feels that way.

I think J is a nice girl.  She doesn't seem to have many friends (but she might, who knows?) and I've seen her sit by herself in church.

Years ago I made a friend in church.  Let's call her Jen, since I already used "J."  It was the first day of church and I was determined to turn over a new leaf this semester.  I had previously just hated everyone from the get-go, but I didn't want it to be that way.  So believe it or not, I was nice to people.  Actually, I guess people who know me and read this will probably know me to be generally nice, but it's been a long road.  I didn't used to be nice.

Anyway, it was the first or second meeting of church and I took my seat.  I was sitting alone and I turned to look and see who else was in the room.  I saw this woman sitting by herself.  She was overweight and didn't have a very happy look on her face, but I saw an attractive daughter of God sitting there.  I saw a stranger who was in the same predicament as me, so I turned and asked if I could sit with her.  I know I made her day.  How do I know?  Well, she developed a pretty strong crush on me.

Jen is and was a really sweet girl.  She had a rough life (divorce, suicide, poverty, etc.), but she still had all of this inner beauty and light...even if she was depressed.  She was such a good friend to me.  She still is!  I love her!  It was like she, Mel, and Bif (all not real names, by the way) were my best friends, even if Bif didn't like Jen and Mel didn't like Bif.  They tolerated each other for me.  Even when I wound up dating Jen's ex-roommate who didn't want me hanging around Jen, she still stuck by me.  She was still my friend before, during, and after.

I want close friends.  That's what I want.  Intimacy.  I want close, intimate relationships with other people around my age.  I want to share feelings and food.  I want to meet their friends.  I want them to introduce me to single women who might be interested in me.  I crave intimacy.  That's what I really want in life.