I still lack friends

I just found out tonight that two of my friends don't seem to like me anymore.  I really try to be the best friend I possibly can to people.  I think it's odd and alarming that a 26-year-old man can't seem to develop close, intimate relationships with people.  It's not like I'm a psychopath or something!  It's just like there's something I'm missing.  Like I have all the other pieces to the puzzle of interpersonal relationships, but I'm missing that one piece that makes the picture make sense.



Do you remember Clue puzzles?  They were puzzles with a mystery and they were based on the board game Clue.  You couldn't see the picture that you were creating, you just had to go at it and put it together.  When you put together the puzzle, you had to study the picture and solve the mystery.  I remember my sister really liking them and they seem like a lot of fun now that I'm an adult (not that I've ever done one).  It feels like interpersonal relationships are just like Clue puzzles to me.  I can't see the picture I'm trying to create and I have to solve an associated mystery.  And it seems like a critical piece has gone missing from my puzzle.  Maybe I bought the puzzle at the DI and the crucial piece was missing from the set.  Unfortunately, it's the piece that has the critical clue on it that would lead me to solve the mystery and make sense of the picture.

How alarming it must be to women that I can only name about ten friends, none of whom ever invite me to parties or events!  It's alarming to me!  It honestly makes me feel like I want to run away.  I don't know where I'd go, but I'd run and run and run.  Unfortunately, there's no running from a personality flaw.  There's no running from that missing piece that I can't seem to find.

I never thought I'd be this person.  When I was a kid, I had lots of friends.  The first time I realized that people didn't like me was when I was in the sixth grade and literally everyone in my class except me was invited to a birthday party (to the best of my knowledge).  Then I was a loser in junior high, bounced back a little in high school, had a best friend in college (but still not a lot of friends), and now I'm back to just being alone.

I wish I had a pocket ex-girlfriend.  That is, someone to sit on my shoulder or hang out in my front pocket and witness my day-to-day interactions.  I choose an ex-girlfriend because she's seen my best and my worst and she's certainly not afraid to criticize me.  She also has at one point seen my worth and can help me show that worth to others.  If I could have a pocket-sized version of my most recent ex-girlfriend, that would be so helpful.  And depressing.  Being criticized sucks.  Maybe she could just guide me in interactions and not criticize.

And I just realized that I'm talking about keeping a pocket-sized version of my ex-girlfriend in my pocket.  I understand how that can come off as weird, but it is how I think.  Besides, I know it's not possible and that's that.  Now to resume my "normal" life.