These last two weeks have been kind of a roller coaster as far as emotions go. I was feeling really down due to a recent rejection, and then a friend picked me up and put things in perspective. I always knew that I dated based on compulsion and not on desire, but I didn't realize that my lack of desire was from me not being interested in a lot of women. There are many women that I find attractive, funny, smart, and generally desirable, but how many am I really interested in?
Realizing that I don't really like anyone right now (admittedly aside from the recent rejection) has kind of been freeing. I'm feeling like there's no problem with me not dating anyone. I'm also feeling like I'll know the next woman I like when I see her. That is, I'll know her when God places her in my path. This way of thinking feels so much better. It's just nice to know that I'm not interested in anyone right now and I don't have to be interested in anyone right now.
I've always felt this insurmountable pressure to date. I feel like men in my church are constantly bombarded with blame for the single women in church. So based on compulsion, I would date because I don't think I should feel that blame. I should not be blamed for anyone's singlehood. I kind of shouldn't even be blamed for my own because I've tried so much over these last ten years. And it's not like I'm not trying anymore, per se. I'm just not going to try so hard to like someone and I'm not going to push for a sub-par relationship.
I really loved my ex-girlfriend. Even though there were flaws in the relationship, I wanted to make it work. She meant a lot to me. I don't know if any relationship can be perfect, but I felt like our relationship was close to perfect. I was compelled to marry her; both out of desire and out of expectation. I shouldn't have pressured her, as inadvertent as it may have been. If I could go back and give it another shot, I would. But I recognize my feelings for her were sometimes hard even though I loved her very much. I tried to not focus on her imperfections (I feel as though they were few), but maybe I should have realized more of the hard feelings I had during our relationship. There was a time when I thought she was using me. I think I was wrong. There were many times when I felt as though she saw me as a lesser person. I embarrassed her a lot. A lot. I'm sorry. I'm a better person now, even just five months later.
My time at BYU really, really felt screwed up. It was like I was a different person. I wanted to act out just in rebellion to the culture there. I really wish things had been different there, but I'm happy I went and that I'm gone. Had I not attended school there, I may not be in an MBA program right now. I probably wouldn't have served my mission. So it's a good thing that I endured that trial. Had I not attended BYU, I wouldn't have met my ex-girlfriend and I wouldn't know as well the things that I want in a woman. I would still give it another shot with her, but I think I would be more assertive in the relationship and I would be more clear and courageous about expressing my feelings. At the time, I felt like if I said anything about things that bothered me or something like that, then she would break up with me and I would be alone again. It happened anyway. The same way I turned 21 regardless of whether I served a mission. I just would have grown a little more had I gone sooner.
But then you factor in the anxiety and I realize that a mission at the time would have been hard on me and I may not have made it, pushing me into a depression based on failure of serving a mission. I don't fully believe what I'm about to say, but: I think I made the right decision. I fully believe in this statement: I'm glad that I served the mission that I did and I wish I had served more and in a different capacity. But I wouldn't have known that without my mission. Funny how that is.
So I am learning about myself. I'm also meeting new people lately, which is part of what I originally set out to write, in addition to the learning about myself. But I think learning about myself is better. I'm still fighting the compulsion to date, but the edge is off. I still meet women and think "should I get her number?" or I think "wow, she's really pretty. I wish she would date me." But I don't really think that as much. The compulsion to get a phone number is stronger than the other thoughts. I'm just happy that I care less about it all. I'm happier now.
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