A very relaxing weekend

It's like I was given a break.  Either that or I am somehow ignoring something I should be doing.  Meh, I feel good so it doesn't matter.

I managed to get my homework for Monday and Tuesday done by the end of Saturday, so I took Sunday off.  I didn't do anything other than hang with friends, cook, and go to church.  Well, I read my scriptures and stuff at night, as usual.  I pretty well just relaxed all day.  It was so nice.

The downside of relaxing all day is that you feel lazy afterward.  You kind of feel lazy while doing it too.  I suppose I could have done the dishes or something, but I didn't.  I just relaxed.  That feels so good.  I wish I could have days like that more often.

Today, I'm putting my nose back to the grindstone...kind of.  I haven't done anything all day so far, but I'm getting there!  I have to leave for class in an hour, so we'll see what happens as far as productivity goes.

I also need to figure out a new recipe to try.  It's like I've stagnated.  I want to create!  I don't want to just re-post what others have done.  That's boring and plagiarism.  Though I do give credit where due.

So...today was pretty good

There is nothing quite like falling asleep around midnight and then waking up at 11:30 in the morning.  It has been a long time since I've slept like that.  It's odd, because I went to bed at 9:30 pm the other day and couldn't get to sleep, even though I was dead tired!

Anyhow, I slept for eleven or so hours.  Then I woke up and I felt like going to Burger King.  I decided that I shouldn't go to BK until dinner, so I went to the grocery store instead.  And then I caved and bought fried chicken because I had two coupons.  So I never made it to BK, but I sure ate some chicken!  Then I did some homework, went to the gym (which I haven't done in weeks due to school), and then went on a picnic with some people from the ward and some of their friends.  I took an apple, some beef jerky, and some string cheese, along with a bottle of water.  It's seriously the healthiest thing I ate all day.

While on the picnic, I met a friend of a friend.  She was nice and it was fun to make a new friend.  I felt all sweaty and gross since I had just come from the gym.  We briefly spoke, and then kind of went our separate ways while walking to a party that was happening down the street.  After a shower and a change of clothing, I went to the party with practically no expectations, but then I wound up talking to her for several hours. It was fun!  I accompanied her to country dancing (which is something I've never done before, but now wish I knew how to do), and then walked her back to her car.  It was a fun night.

So this was a good day.  I'm all tired out.  And I need to come up with a new recipe to post.  I should do some experimenting when I have some time.  Maybe something with beef?  I should figure out how to make some delicious roast beef in the Crock-pot and then share the resulting roast beef sandwiches.  I like mine with a little mozzarella sometimes.  I'll bet if I roasted some beef with a little root beer or Pepsi Wild Cherry, it would come out great.

Alright!  Next beef sale, I'll get right on it!

Ooh, I wonder if there's a bacon-y way to make roast beef.  Oh yeah.

EDIT:  I forgot to mention that I found out that I'm going to JAPAN!!!!!!!  I'm so excited!  Freakin' Japan, dude!  I have no idea what all I'm going to do there, but I strongly desire to go to Yokosuka and check out Dobuita Street (also known as "the Honch").  I'm so excited.  I want to do the Shenmue tour!  I'd also love to hit up Sega HQ, but that's probably not going to happen.  Today was a great day.  I can hardly believe it.

Time to change again

I've been thinking today, and I've been thinking a lot.  In Beauty and the Beast, thinking is referred to as "a dangerous pastime," which I'm sure has other literary roots that I'm too lazy to look up.  I was able to talk to a friend about it (because it's weighing on my mind, though I honestly hate talking to people about it because I don't want to dump on them) and she said that she was surprised that I'm having trouble making friends.  It made me wonder if I really don't have trouble making friends, but that I'm not letting myself make friends.  Like my belief that I don't know how to make friends is hindering my ability to make friends.

This goes along with everything I wrote about a month ago.  If I'm holding the belief, then so it must be.  Therefore I should put myself in a position to feel like I have friends, even if that means getting out of my comfort zone.  I am uncomfortable just going up to people because I've had poor luck in the past.  I think that if I put myself in the position to make close friends, then I will make close friends.  If I just watch carefully what I say, I might have some success.

A positive thought is more powerful than a negative thought.  If I think and feel negative things, then negative things will happen.  Now if only I can keep the right thought in my head...

I suppose it's kind of like always remembering Christ.  It's hard to keep a sustained thought.  But recognizing times when your thoughts are going off the path will allow you to redirect them.  So whether you need to hum your favorite hymn or just force out the bad thought,  redirecting a negative thought into a positive thought will serve you better.

It's like I remember to do well for weeks, and then I just go off the positive thought train and feel bad for weeks at a time.

I do still think that I lack certain friend-making skills, probably perpetuated by my low self-monitor.  Perhaps I need to research that.  People do like me, I just think that they don't see me as a friend or as a close friend.  I want close friends.  I think I know of some people that I could just go over and visit.  If I can get my visibility in the ward up, I might be able to make some close friends.

Time to change my life again.

Friends and sitting alone

I honestly feel like I don't have friends.  I see people getting together all the time, people talking to each other, but it's like I'm left out.  I don't get it.  What is wrong with me?  I try to be nice, I try to be friendly, I try talking to people, but it's like there's a sign on me that says "don't be this guy's friend."  Is there a big "L" tattooed on my forehead that I can't see?

I should change wards or something.  People don't invite me to things, and people don't come to things that I host.  My apartment is such a sty right now that no one would want to come over anyway.  Such is the price of getting an advanced education and living in a poorly-lit apartment.

It's like for two weeks I feel like I have friends, and then for however long after that, I have none.  I don't get it.  So what should I do about it?  Complain?  I really don't know.  Complaining on my blog is really all I have.

I mean, I know I have some friends.  I have friends in Russia, Tanzania, Thailand, possibly Japan (if she's not in Idaho anymore), Idaho, Colorado, and possibly in Utah...I just can't tell.  I just wish I had the kind of friends that would text me and invite me when they're going to a football game or to dinner or something.

Maybe I'm just unpopular.  It's fine to be unpopular, I'm not too worried about it.  But to be friendless...that's serious.  And if I were trying to date someone, that might be a huge red flag.  It's not like I abuse my friends or something like that.  I feel like I'm a very good friend.  For example, when I made friends with J McG, I invited him to go to Sam's Club with me, and when I made friends with Stert (not his real name), I would go over and say hi when he was home.  We even did a double date together (and our respective dates)!  So I am a good friend when I have friends, but I just don't understand why I can't seem to make any close friends around here.  I've cooked for people, I've gone over and visited people, I've helped people move, I've gone singing to the elderly...and it still feels like people either don't like me or generally think of me as not being a friend.

I want friends and I want relationships.  It really is fine if someone doesn't want to be my friend.  But to be in a ward with about 150 students and feel like I don't have close friends?  That seems abnormal.

I really don't know what to do.  I feel like the next step is to just stop going to ward activities.  I mean, if I don't have any friends, what's the point?  Last Monday, for example, I was sitting on a long bench at Family Home Evening.  I sat at the very end so there would be room for people to sit on the rest of the bench.  We were gathered around a fire, listening to a speaker, and no one sat next to me for a long time (about thirty minutes), even though people were standing all around.  There were some girls huddled at the other end of the bench, but there were two seats next to me.  It was heartbreaking.  Finally a sister I home teach sat near me.  The girls at the other end of the bench had said "there are seats right here for anyone" and I turned to them and said "it's because they don't want to sit next to me."  It felt like truth.  Sorry.  I honestly feel like I'm a good person who is deserving of friendship, but I don't have the friendships that I want.  I don't get it.  It's not like I'm going to ask you to marry me if we sit next to each other or something.

Easy peanut butter cream pie

It feels like it has been FOREVER since I last posted.  Grad school sure is keeping me busy!  I had the choice of going to homecoming or going to a family reunion today.  I chose the reunion.  I've never been to homecoming at a college before.  But then I remind myself that I don't really have the network of friends necessary to go to an event like that.  It's best for someone like me to stay home.

Stay home making pie, that is.

No, I really meant just staying home, but it could have been a nice segue into the recipe.  "Recipe."

I last made this pie for a special woman in my life.  I loved her very much.  I think the only picture I have of the pie is one the pies that I made for her, so that's the photo you'll get.  It was for Valentine's Day, hence the heart of whipped cream on top.  Here's how to make the pie.

Ingredients:

• Oreo pie crust (either homemade or store-bought)
• 8 oz. Cool Whip (thawed)
• Between 8 oz. and 16 oz. of creamy peanut butter (try using around 12 oz.)

Alternatively, you can use 8 oz. (liquid state) of heavy whipping cream and whatever the heck kind of pie crust you want.  I'm hesitant to recommend Oreo pie crust (and Cool Whip by extension), mostly because I like my brands to stay away from political statements, but whatever.

How to make the pie:

Use a double-boiler to melt down the peanut butter.  If you do not have a formal double-boiler, you can improvise it using two pots.  There's really nothing to it.

Dump the Cool Whip into a mixing bowl, and then fold the peanut butter into it.  It's kind of hard to do this without stirring.  Stirring can cause your whipped cream to become flat in the same manner that stirring a cup of soda can cause it to become flat.  I'm not completely certain of the structural integrity of Cool Whip, but it's really just best to fold the peanut butter and Cool Whip together.

Now gently put the peanut butter cream into the crust.  When you've done that and spread it all around, it's time to freeze the pie.  At least let it freeze for an hour.  Before serving, remove it from the freezer for about a half an hour.  Serve with some whipped cream on top.

I'm sorry.  Posting the picture of the pie I made for Valentine's Day for her is a little too painful for me.  So instead, here's a picture of the chocolate cream pie I made for some sisters while I was on my mission.  I used a Keebler chocolate crust, heavy whipping cream, and crumbled up some Oreos on the top.  Using chocolate syrup on the top ruined the richness of this particular pie (though it was still delicious), so just try to focus the flavor on the filling of the pie itself when to go to make this your own.

Learning about me.

These last two weeks have been kind of a roller coaster as far as emotions go.  I was feeling really down due to a recent rejection, and then a friend picked me up and put things in perspective.  I always knew that I dated based on compulsion and not on desire, but I didn't realize that my lack of desire was from me not being interested in a lot of women.  There are many women that I find attractive, funny, smart, and generally desirable, but how many am I really interested in?

Realizing that I don't really like anyone right now (admittedly aside from the recent rejection) has kind of been freeing.  I'm feeling like there's no problem with me not dating anyone.  I'm also feeling like I'll know the next woman I like when I see her.  That is, I'll know her when God places her in my path.  This way of thinking feels so much better.  It's just nice to know that I'm not interested in anyone right now and I don't have to be interested in anyone right now.

I've always felt this insurmountable pressure to date.  I feel like men in my church are constantly bombarded with blame for the single women in church.  So based on compulsion, I would date because I don't think I should feel that blame.  I should not be blamed for anyone's singlehood.  I kind of shouldn't even be blamed for my own because I've tried so much over these last ten years.  And it's not like I'm not trying anymore, per se.  I'm just not going to try so hard to like someone and I'm not going to push for a sub-par relationship.

I really loved my ex-girlfriend.  Even though there were flaws in the relationship, I wanted to make it work.  She meant a lot to me.  I don't know if any relationship can be perfect, but I felt like our relationship was close to perfect.  I was compelled to marry her; both out of desire and out of expectation.  I shouldn't have pressured her, as inadvertent as it may have been.  If I could go back and give it another shot, I would.  But I recognize my feelings for her were sometimes hard even though I loved her very much.  I tried to not focus on her imperfections (I feel as though they were few), but maybe I should have realized more of the hard feelings I had during our relationship.  There was a time when I thought she was using me.  I think I was wrong.  There were many times when I felt as though she saw me as a lesser person.  I embarrassed her a lot.  A lot.  I'm sorry.  I'm a better person now, even just five months later.

My time at BYU really, really felt screwed up.  It was like I was a different person.  I wanted to act out just in rebellion to the culture there.  I really wish things had been different there, but I'm happy I went and that I'm gone.  Had I not attended school there, I may not be in an MBA program right now.  I probably wouldn't have served my mission.  So it's a good thing that I endured that trial.  Had I not attended BYU, I wouldn't have met my ex-girlfriend and I wouldn't know as well the  things that I want in a woman.  I would still give it another shot with her, but I think I would be more assertive in the relationship and I would be more clear and courageous about expressing my feelings.  At the time, I felt like if I said anything about things that bothered me or something like that, then she would break up with me and I would be alone again.  It happened anyway.  The same way I turned 21 regardless of whether I served a mission.  I just would have grown a little more had I gone sooner.

But then you factor in the anxiety and I realize that a mission at the time would have been hard on me and I may not have made it, pushing me into a depression based on failure of serving a mission.  I don't fully believe what I'm about to say, but: I think I made the right decision.  I fully believe in this statement: I'm glad that I served the mission that I did and I wish I had served more and in a different capacity.  But I wouldn't have known that without my mission.  Funny how that is.

So I am learning about myself.  I'm also meeting new people lately, which is part of what I originally set out to write, in addition to the learning about myself.  But I think learning about myself is better.  I'm still fighting the compulsion to date, but the edge is off.  I still meet women and think "should I get her number?" or I think "wow, she's really pretty.  I wish she would date me."  But I don't really think that as much.  The compulsion to get a phone number is stronger than the other thoughts.  I'm just happy that I care less about it all.  I'm happier now.

Confession: I'm just not really interested in a lot of people

I feel incredible pressure to date and get married.  This pressure makes me want to just go out and do it, which scares people off, which I hate.  I just want things to be normal for me.

I spoke with a friend late into the evening last night.  She really put things in perspective for me.  I realize that I really only want to marry the right person (which is a belief I've always held, but not always practiced), and I also recognize that I'm not interested in a lot of people around me.  There are some nice, pretty, deserving women in my ward, but it's jut like: meh.  I don't know how to get to know them (because women always seem to be doing things with other women instead of spending time with men) and I'm just not interested in dating women who are only interested in spending time with same-gender peers.  These are the same women who wonder why they're never asked on dates.  Newsflash, ladies, it's because you're not spending time getting to know men.

I think I want companionship for the sake of having companionship.  That's really not a good reason to get married.  I feel happiest when I'm in a relationship, but my grandma and other people counsel me to be happy now.  I want relationships and I believe that they will make me happy.  Therefore, friendships will make me happiest, I think, because it will allow for me to socialize and have fun.

Maybe I need to live with roommates or single neighbors or something.

Maybe I just need to spend more time at the Institute and make friends that way.

I think I scare off friends because I unintentionally pressure them into something more than a friendship.  Rather, I level-jump on friendships.  I either want to go from acquaintance to best friend right away, or I want to be nothing at all.

This Sunday I am going to change things.  I am going to sit with people in church.  I am going to just try to have friends.  That's all I really want right now anyway because with the exception of the woman I went out with last week, the women I have been meeting are either lackluster or they are only interested in spending time with their female friends.  If they were really interested in dating or marriage, they'd be interested in spending time with men.

I don't really have friends to do things with.  I don't have people to watch movies with or go to activities at the Institute with.  But I desire these friendships.  What can I do today to make friends?  What can I do now to just spend time with people and have fun?  All I want to do is have fun.  I'm tired of the pressure of dating and I'm tired of trying to get married.  I want something new.  Something different.  I want to socialize, but have no pressure associated with it.  Just friendships.

I wish the world knew that this is how I feel.

Home is where the friends are

I went to a place that some would call "home" yesterday for a baby blessing.  I don't call it "home" because home is where I live.  Once my mom moved in with her husband, "home" disappeared.

After the blessing, I was exiting through the foyer and I saw a girl that I had a crush on back in the seventh grade.  I avoided eye contact with her.  I acted like I didn't even see her and I was heading out the door...right until I felt her hand on my back.  I turned and spoke with her.  I didn't want to do it initially, but it wound up being a valuable experience.

As it turns out, we both actively avoid those we knew in school.  Neither of us care what others are doing and neither of us want to know what they're doing.  I'm glad I'm not abnormal in this respect.  We both agree that if there were to be a high school reunion, neither of us would want to go (and I probably wouldn't be invited, given that I've flown far under the radar since 2010, when I left Facebook).

As we talked, I learned about what she has been doing since graduating, and I'm surprisingly not jealous.  I'm not even jealous that she's married with two children.  This is surprising because I'm usually immensely jealous of those who are married.  Even as I left my apartment earlier, I silently mocked a car in my parking lot that had "just married" written on it.

I mentioned something along the lines of me being jealous of married couples, and she diagnosed me quickly. She says that a problem is that because I want to date and be married, women pick up on the vibe and it scares them.  This is completely understandable.  In fact, I understand!  Though I wish that a desire for love and marriage wouldn't be so scary.  I just want to marry the right person.  I don't want it to be just any person.

She also talked about things that she remembers about me from school.  She remembers someone who was very dark and very unhappy.  It actually reminds me of when I found myself without a place to live and my sister took me in and let me sleep in her basement.  I went to church one Sunday during that time and a woman turned to me and said that I didn't look as dark that day.  She said that I had a different light about me.  I knew why that was that day.  It was because I was staying in my sister's house where you could feel the Spirit.  Where natural light and music filled the atmosphere.  This is in stark contrast to my mom's home with her husband, where darkness and the news fill the atmosphere.  Life didn't used to be that way.

She said that she remembered a dark and unhappy boy.  As I expressed how I feel like I'm behind others in life, she said that she felt similarly when she spoke with her mom a few weeks ago.  She said to remember all the progress that I've made over the years.  I'm a different person than I was ten years ago.  I'm a different person than I was three years ago.  I have made a lot of progress.  I feel better about myself, I feel happier in general, I know more about church and scriptures than I did before, I even went on a mission.  I've made so much progress over these last several years that I can hardly believe it.  So why am I disappointed with the way my life is now?

Well, it's because despite my progress, I still lack those close personal relationships that I desire most.  A few hours ago I stepped out of my apartment to go read in the park.  As I was finishing my reading, I wanted to go over to a nearby house where I know some women.  I wanted to just go in and hang out with them, but I didn't know what to do or say to them.  If I go...what do I say?  Do I say "hey!  I just wanted to see if anyone wants to hang out for a while?"  Is that considered weird?  Is it strange if I go alone?  It should be pretty well-known that I lack friends with whom to do things in this ward, so I hope it wouldn't be too weird if I go alone.  I know it's weird if I go to a campus activity alone.  Everyone else is there with friends and I'm just standing around trying to figure out who to talk to.  I just don't want to be a bother.  I want to be a friend.  Someone that people genuinely want to be around.

There's a man in my ward who can just walk in to people's apartments and talk with them.  He becomes their best friend and winds up doing everything with them.  I want to be able to do that.  I worry that this will be rejected by those around me.  The reason why I worry so much about things like this is because I'm tired of being rejected by others.  I remember a ward of mine where I asked out five different women over the course of nine months or so.  I got a reputation for being desperate and dating just anyone.  If I just go over to someone's home without someone specific in mind to speak to or hang out with, what kind of reputation will I get?  I have to be in this ward for nine more months!  I can't get a worse reputation than I already have now!  I want to have a steady group of friends who want me around and who want to spend time with me.