I had a dream last night where I was at the Missionary Training Center. I had just arrived and they were doing a tour of stuff nearby. After this tour, there was kind of an obstacle course that I had to run. During the tour and the obstacle course, I couldn't keep up with the missionaries. I was just falling behind the whole time.
I wonder if this dream means anything? That is, either prophetically or just as a reflection of my inner feelings. It's probably a good reflection of my inner feelings.
Monday, October 7, 2013
Saturday, October 5, 2013
I served a mission.
I have felt inadequate for far too long about my mission. I want to get my feelings down so I can get them in order. I want people to be able to see the struggle that it was to get to the point where I would serve and how without that, I wouldn't have the desire to do more now.
I did not have the advantage of a two-parent home. Even when he was alive, my father was almost never home. There are very few memories of him that I possess that are positive. Then he died and my family was left without a leader. My mom had to take on both roles. God never intended the family to be a one-parent deal.
Boys need fathers. They just do. And the death of a parent has a devastating effect on a child. I became an angry, angry child. I was more than just a handful and I'm sorry for it. Had I a dad, I would be different today. But I didn't, and as a result of my poor choices during my upbringing, I feel like a bad person sometimes.
I had to work for my testimony. I didn't get to sit in Family Home Evening every Monday night with a father and a mother with a designated lesson, prayer, treat, and game. Instead, I'd watch as my brother would refuse to come up for dinner, I was completely uninterested in a church lesson from the Ensign, and I just couldn't wait to get back downstairs to play videogames.
I did not have the advantage of a two-parent home. Even when he was alive, my father was almost never home. There are very few memories of him that I possess that are positive. Then he died and my family was left without a leader. My mom had to take on both roles. God never intended the family to be a one-parent deal.
Boys need fathers. They just do. And the death of a parent has a devastating effect on a child. I became an angry, angry child. I was more than just a handful and I'm sorry for it. Had I a dad, I would be different today. But I didn't, and as a result of my poor choices during my upbringing, I feel like a bad person sometimes.
I had to work for my testimony. I didn't get to sit in Family Home Evening every Monday night with a father and a mother with a designated lesson, prayer, treat, and game. Instead, I'd watch as my brother would refuse to come up for dinner, I was completely uninterested in a church lesson from the Ensign, and I just couldn't wait to get back downstairs to play videogames.
Friday, October 4, 2013
Sick, final, game, lonely
I've been sick all week and it sucks. I should be nearly done with my illness, but I want to be done now. I want to be done five days ago!
I had a final this week and being sick didn't help. I scored below the class average on the multiple choice section. One of the women in the class is super smart and she got the high score on the test. I have to be honest: I am incredibly jealous of her and her husband. I hate being jealous. I just feel so inadequate in comparison to some people. I know I shouldn't compare myself and blah blah blah, but I do. I would really like to get past that.
I went to the BYU/USU game tonight, even though I'm sick. I really wish that USU had won. BYU sucks. I used to attend BYU and it was horrible. I'm so glad I'm not there anymore. I love Utah State. I wish I had come here years ago. Maybe I would have found the right woman by now.
I've been feeling lonely this week, and it's exacerbated by being ill. My bishop told me to get into online dating. I don't like that idea because online dating makes me feel like I'm being a desperate loser. But at the same time, I don't think it's that bad. I've done some browsing and it looks like there are some great women online.
I honestly wonder if my poor luck in dating is due to my weight. Seriously. I don't think that I can be an accurate judge of my appearance, so I genuinely wonder if I'm too fat. I do feel especially fat this week (due in part to being sick - a high consumption of sugary beverages (orange juice) and a poor diet). Last week when I weighed myself I thought I had lost five pounds, but I feel HUGE this week! I wonder if I lost any weight at all!
I don't like how relationships are always on my mind. I want to be happy as-is, and a good portion of the time I am. But this week I feel lonely and unattractive.
I want to work on my self confidence. I know that God loves me and I think that I'm a good man. But let's be 100% honest with ourselves here: there's a reason why I haven't been able to find love. I would like to find and eliminate that reason. Those reasons. I think that confidence is an issue and I also think that weight is an issue.
I had a final this week and being sick didn't help. I scored below the class average on the multiple choice section. One of the women in the class is super smart and she got the high score on the test. I have to be honest: I am incredibly jealous of her and her husband. I hate being jealous. I just feel so inadequate in comparison to some people. I know I shouldn't compare myself and blah blah blah, but I do. I would really like to get past that.
I went to the BYU/USU game tonight, even though I'm sick. I really wish that USU had won. BYU sucks. I used to attend BYU and it was horrible. I'm so glad I'm not there anymore. I love Utah State. I wish I had come here years ago. Maybe I would have found the right woman by now.
I've been feeling lonely this week, and it's exacerbated by being ill. My bishop told me to get into online dating. I don't like that idea because online dating makes me feel like I'm being a desperate loser. But at the same time, I don't think it's that bad. I've done some browsing and it looks like there are some great women online.
I honestly wonder if my poor luck in dating is due to my weight. Seriously. I don't think that I can be an accurate judge of my appearance, so I genuinely wonder if I'm too fat. I do feel especially fat this week (due in part to being sick - a high consumption of sugary beverages (orange juice) and a poor diet). Last week when I weighed myself I thought I had lost five pounds, but I feel HUGE this week! I wonder if I lost any weight at all!
I don't like how relationships are always on my mind. I want to be happy as-is, and a good portion of the time I am. But this week I feel lonely and unattractive.
I want to work on my self confidence. I know that God loves me and I think that I'm a good man. But let's be 100% honest with ourselves here: there's a reason why I haven't been able to find love. I would like to find and eliminate that reason. Those reasons. I think that confidence is an issue and I also think that weight is an issue.
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