Trust in God

I was studying my scriptures tonight (actually studying!) and I was reading about trust in God.  I came to realize that many of the verses that I was reading dealt with trust in God for protection and trust in God for salvation.  Even Job 13:15-16 talked about salvation.  I think that trust in God begins with trust in eternal salvation.  I think that God isn't going to leave me behind just because I have been unable to get married.  I need to trust in my salvation, which encompasses trusting that I will be able to achieve salvation one way or another.  Therefore, I need to work on trusting God, which begins with trusting in my salvation.  I'm going to pray on this tonight.

Wasn't this blog supposed to be about how happy I am?

Sorry, but I've been really depressed lately.  I'm not sure why.  I'm happier when I'm at school, but when the weekend rolls around, I just get feeling so lonely.  Church should be a place that I long to go and a place that I enjoy, but I feel so unhappy while I'm there.  It just feels like: what am I doing here?  It's not a matter of church itself; I like church itself.  I think I really just hate the social aspect of it and it depresses me.  I honestly need to do something else or go somewhere else so I can feel happy and welcome.  I honestly just feel lonely.  I'm unhappy.  I really wish I had friends.  That's all I want: friends.  I don't intend for this to be a message to people to pity me or something because that's not what I want.  I want to be liked by others and included in their plans.

I honestly don't know how to invite people to do something without it being weird.  Sorry, I don't know how to host.  So if you're wondering why I'm not frequently inviting people over, that's why.  I suppose I could bake a cake this week and see if people want to come over and eat it with me.  I'm not really interested in eating the cake.  I'm just interested in having people around.

Maybe I just need to change the routine.  I might go to church in a better mood if I watch something funny before going.  I honestly think I should just move, but moving is over a year out.  Moving probably won't solve anything because I feel this way in every ward.  So what do I need to do differently?

Would you want to marry yourself?

I had a thought yesterday that has been on my mind ever since.  Would I want to marry myself?  And then the thought of whether this is a gauge to see if women want to marry me came up.

The answer, unfortunately, is no.  I would not want to marry myself.  However, I don't know why.  It could be because of my personality.  But it also could be because I'm looking for someone to complement me, not be me.  I don't want to marry my mirror image.  I mean, why would I do that?  From a physical standpoint I don't find myself attractive (though I am a somewhat attractive guy).  But I don't need the skills that I have already in a relationship.  I don't need someone who does all the grocery shopping or cleans up the house.  I don't need someone who cooks all the time or plays videogames.  I really just want someone who loves me.

Hey, is that it?  Maybe I don't love myself?  But that still doesn't change the fact that I don't want to marry myself.  I want to marry someone else.  But if I don't want to marry me, does that mean that others don't want to marry me too?  How does that work?

I still lack friends

I just found out tonight that two of my friends don't seem to like me anymore.  I really try to be the best friend I possibly can to people.  I think it's odd and alarming that a 26-year-old man can't seem to develop close, intimate relationships with people.  It's not like I'm a psychopath or something!  It's just like there's something I'm missing.  Like I have all the other pieces to the puzzle of interpersonal relationships, but I'm missing that one piece that makes the picture make sense.

I had a weird dream last night.

I had a dream last night where I was at the Missionary Training Center.  I had just arrived and they were doing a tour of stuff nearby.  After this tour, there was kind of an obstacle course that I had to run.  During the tour and the obstacle course, I couldn't keep up with the missionaries.  I was just falling behind the whole time.

I wonder if this dream means anything?  That is, either prophetically or just as a reflection of my inner feelings.  It's probably a good reflection of my inner feelings.

I served a mission.

I have felt inadequate for far too long about my mission.  I want to get my feelings down so I can get them in order.  I want people to be able to see the struggle that it was to get to the point where I would serve and how without that, I wouldn't have the desire to do more now.

I did not have the advantage of a two-parent home.  Even when he was alive, my father was almost never home.  There are very few memories of him that I possess that are positive.  Then he died and my family was left without a leader.  My mom had to take on both roles.  God never intended the family to be a one-parent deal.

Boys need fathers.  They just do.  And the death of a parent has a devastating effect on a child.  I became an angry, angry child.  I was more than just a handful and I'm sorry for it.  Had I a dad, I would be different today.  But I didn't, and as a result of my poor choices during my upbringing, I feel like a bad person sometimes.

I had to work for my testimony.  I didn't get to sit in Family Home Evening every Monday night with a father and a mother with a designated lesson, prayer, treat, and game.  Instead, I'd watch as my brother would refuse to come up for dinner, I was completely uninterested in a church lesson from the Ensign, and I just couldn't wait to get back downstairs to play videogames.

Sick, final, game, lonely

I've been sick all week and it sucks.  I should be nearly done with my illness, but I want to be done now.  I want to be done five days ago!

I had a final this week and being sick didn't help.  I scored below the class average on the multiple choice section.  One of the women in the class is super smart and she got the high score on the test.  I have to be honest: I am incredibly jealous of her and her husband.  I hate being jealous.  I just feel so inadequate in comparison to some people.  I know I shouldn't compare myself and blah blah blah, but I do.  I would really like to get past that.

I went to the BYU/USU game tonight, even though I'm sick. I really wish that USU had won.  BYU sucks.  I used to attend BYU and it was horrible.  I'm so glad I'm not there anymore.  I love Utah State.  I wish I had come here years ago.  Maybe I would have found the right woman by now.

I've been feeling lonely this week, and it's exacerbated by being ill.  My bishop told me to get into online dating.  I don't like that idea because online dating makes me feel like I'm being a desperate loser.  But at the same time, I don't think it's that bad.  I've done some browsing and it looks like there are some great women online.

I honestly wonder if my poor luck in dating is due to my weight.  Seriously.  I don't think that I can be an accurate judge of my appearance, so I genuinely wonder if I'm too fat.  I do feel especially fat this week (due in part to being sick - a high consumption of sugary beverages (orange juice) and a poor diet).  Last week when I weighed myself I thought I had lost five pounds, but I feel HUGE this week!  I wonder if I lost any weight at all!

I don't like how relationships are always on my mind.  I want to be happy as-is, and a good portion of the time I am.  But this week I feel lonely and unattractive.

I want to work on my self confidence.  I know that God loves me and I think that I'm a good man.  But let's be 100% honest with ourselves here: there's a reason why I haven't been able to find love.  I would like to find and eliminate that reason.   Those reasons.  I think that confidence is an issue and I also think that weight is an issue.

A very relaxing weekend

It's like I was given a break.  Either that or I am somehow ignoring something I should be doing.  Meh, I feel good so it doesn't matter.

I managed to get my homework for Monday and Tuesday done by the end of Saturday, so I took Sunday off.  I didn't do anything other than hang with friends, cook, and go to church.  Well, I read my scriptures and stuff at night, as usual.  I pretty well just relaxed all day.  It was so nice.

The downside of relaxing all day is that you feel lazy afterward.  You kind of feel lazy while doing it too.  I suppose I could have done the dishes or something, but I didn't.  I just relaxed.  That feels so good.  I wish I could have days like that more often.

Today, I'm putting my nose back to the grindstone...kind of.  I haven't done anything all day so far, but I'm getting there!  I have to leave for class in an hour, so we'll see what happens as far as productivity goes.

I also need to figure out a new recipe to try.  It's like I've stagnated.  I want to create!  I don't want to just re-post what others have done.  That's boring and plagiarism.  Though I do give credit where due.

So...today was pretty good

There is nothing quite like falling asleep around midnight and then waking up at 11:30 in the morning.  It has been a long time since I've slept like that.  It's odd, because I went to bed at 9:30 pm the other day and couldn't get to sleep, even though I was dead tired!

Anyhow, I slept for eleven or so hours.  Then I woke up and I felt like going to Burger King.  I decided that I shouldn't go to BK until dinner, so I went to the grocery store instead.  And then I caved and bought fried chicken because I had two coupons.  So I never made it to BK, but I sure ate some chicken!  Then I did some homework, went to the gym (which I haven't done in weeks due to school), and then went on a picnic with some people from the ward and some of their friends.  I took an apple, some beef jerky, and some string cheese, along with a bottle of water.  It's seriously the healthiest thing I ate all day.

While on the picnic, I met a friend of a friend.  She was nice and it was fun to make a new friend.  I felt all sweaty and gross since I had just come from the gym.  We briefly spoke, and then kind of went our separate ways while walking to a party that was happening down the street.  After a shower and a change of clothing, I went to the party with practically no expectations, but then I wound up talking to her for several hours. It was fun!  I accompanied her to country dancing (which is something I've never done before, but now wish I knew how to do), and then walked her back to her car.  It was a fun night.

So this was a good day.  I'm all tired out.  And I need to come up with a new recipe to post.  I should do some experimenting when I have some time.  Maybe something with beef?  I should figure out how to make some delicious roast beef in the Crock-pot and then share the resulting roast beef sandwiches.  I like mine with a little mozzarella sometimes.  I'll bet if I roasted some beef with a little root beer or Pepsi Wild Cherry, it would come out great.

Alright!  Next beef sale, I'll get right on it!

Ooh, I wonder if there's a bacon-y way to make roast beef.  Oh yeah.

EDIT:  I forgot to mention that I found out that I'm going to JAPAN!!!!!!!  I'm so excited!  Freakin' Japan, dude!  I have no idea what all I'm going to do there, but I strongly desire to go to Yokosuka and check out Dobuita Street (also known as "the Honch").  I'm so excited.  I want to do the Shenmue tour!  I'd also love to hit up Sega HQ, but that's probably not going to happen.  Today was a great day.  I can hardly believe it.

Time to change again

I've been thinking today, and I've been thinking a lot.  In Beauty and the Beast, thinking is referred to as "a dangerous pastime," which I'm sure has other literary roots that I'm too lazy to look up.  I was able to talk to a friend about it (because it's weighing on my mind, though I honestly hate talking to people about it because I don't want to dump on them) and she said that she was surprised that I'm having trouble making friends.  It made me wonder if I really don't have trouble making friends, but that I'm not letting myself make friends.  Like my belief that I don't know how to make friends is hindering my ability to make friends.

This goes along with everything I wrote about a month ago.  If I'm holding the belief, then so it must be.  Therefore I should put myself in a position to feel like I have friends, even if that means getting out of my comfort zone.  I am uncomfortable just going up to people because I've had poor luck in the past.  I think that if I put myself in the position to make close friends, then I will make close friends.  If I just watch carefully what I say, I might have some success.

A positive thought is more powerful than a negative thought.  If I think and feel negative things, then negative things will happen.  Now if only I can keep the right thought in my head...

I suppose it's kind of like always remembering Christ.  It's hard to keep a sustained thought.  But recognizing times when your thoughts are going off the path will allow you to redirect them.  So whether you need to hum your favorite hymn or just force out the bad thought,  redirecting a negative thought into a positive thought will serve you better.

It's like I remember to do well for weeks, and then I just go off the positive thought train and feel bad for weeks at a time.

I do still think that I lack certain friend-making skills, probably perpetuated by my low self-monitor.  Perhaps I need to research that.  People do like me, I just think that they don't see me as a friend or as a close friend.  I want close friends.  I think I know of some people that I could just go over and visit.  If I can get my visibility in the ward up, I might be able to make some close friends.

Time to change my life again.